dog humor
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
 
Dictionary for Dogs
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
How Dogs are Better than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How To Photograph A New Puppy:
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and stay" the first thing in the morning
Top Ten Dog Thoughts:
10. I could've sworn I heard the can opener.
9. Why doesn't the government do something about mange?
8. Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?
7. I wonder if Toto was gay?
6. Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!
5. Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
4. I still miss Lorne Greene.
3. Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?
2. Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener.
1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers:
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
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Specialized Cross Breed Dogs:
Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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